I hear a lot of people describe themselves as ‘people-pleasers’, and when we explore that in the therapy room, it often transpires that the actual challenge may well be boundaries.
For some people, the word boundaries makes them feel uncomfortable or somehow selfish, and for others, the need for stronger boundaries makes sense, but they have no real plan of where to even begin to implement them.
The reality is that boundaries aren’t actually about pushing others away – they are about creating the conditions needed for authentic, respectful, and meaningful relationships.
Boundaries enable us to understand where we end and someone else begins, fulfilling our own needs while respecting the needs of others. Boundaries are effectively the limits and guidelines that we create around what feels acceptable, comfortable, and safe with our interactions with others.
Boundaries can be literal and physical, emotional, psychological, practical, or even digital. On a practical level, this can mean saying no to requests when we don’t have the capacity to help, or taking time for rest without feeling guilty, or choosing not to engage in certain conversations, and limiting contact with people who consistently leave us feeling drained or distressed.
It’s important to remember that healthy boundaries are not walls. Walls are designed to keep people out entirely. Boundaries, on the other hand, are more like gates. They allow us to decide what we welcome into our lives and what we do not.
The key is to be aware, and recognise what needs a boundary. Often, this can be understood through our emotion – feelings of frustration, overwhelm, or even resentment, can be a signal that our boundary doesn’t perhaps align with our needs.
And navigating through that boundary doesn’t mean being harsh or angry; choosing our wording with purpose and empathy can help maintain our boundaries
Ultimately, the more we understand about ourselves, the easier it becomes to communicate our needs clearly and compassionately, making clear our limits while being respectful of the other person’s feelings too.
And remembering that while we’re responsible for communicating our boundaries, we’re not responsible for how other people react to them.
Boundaries are not about saying no to others. They are often about saying yes to yourself.